Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
More on grounding in chaotic spaces
Some mornings it seems that my BPD wakes up before I do. This morning was one of those mornings. I had a tough conversation with my fiancé last night and it rocked me pretty hard. I cried a lot and kept feeling like I was going to be sick from the overload of emotions swirling around in my belly. I felt confused and scared, and very overwhelmed. We were able to resolve the issue last night, but this morning I found my emotions telling a different story. Quickly after waking up I noticed intense anxiety manifesting in my stomach. It felt like the oxygen in the room was depleted. I felt alone and scared and sad. I woke Mitch up and began to cry asking him, “Do you still like me?” “Yes, I still like you.” He assured me. Mitch has been through this with me for almost two years, but I don’t think that makes my episodes any less painful for either of us.
BPD is characterized by severe difficulty in regulating one's emotions. This mental illness causes an increase in impulsivity and affects how a person feels about themselves. There is also a deep fear of abandonment and negative impacts on relationships with others. I have had BPD for almost 20 long years. And 19 of those years were absolute hell. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I found freedom from daily symptoms of borderline. I worked my butt off for that freedom, so when I do go into an episode now it can feel devastating. I’m just not used to it happening every day anymore, and that is a total miracle. I remember when I was having multiple borderline crises every day. Looking back, I can’t believe that was my daily life for so many years. BPD is a feisty and tricky opponent. It will tell me lies about myself, others, and situations–but all in my own voice. I often don’t have the awareness that I am in an episode when it is happening, but occasionally I am able to recognize that I am and will remind myself it will pass.
One of the most important things I need to do for myself to stay well is to have structure and purpose. I found much of that in my previous job. So when I got laid off a month ago, not only did I lose my structure and purpose, I lost routine and an income. My social interactions have been limited as well, causing so much boredom and frustration. I am an extrovert and crave human connection. This last month has been challenging for many reasons, but the toughest part has been trying to keep my emotions regulated. Aside from structure and purpose, there are many other things I do to keep the BPD monster locked in its box.
Exercise is huge for emotional dysregulation, but even that can be tricky when I’m stuck in emotional crises. If I am deep in emotional pain, it is unlikely I’m going to feel safe to go outside and take a walk. If walking isn’t a viable option I will take a warm relaxing bath. Another amazing tool I use is temperature shocking myself in the shower. I will make the shower as cold as possible, take a deep breath and hold it for as long as I can while the ice cold water rains down on me. Then I will make it as hot as I can stand and again hold my breath and stay under the falling water for a minute or two. I then go back to cold and repeat that cycle until I feel my body is balanced and the anxiety eliminated. Water is such a powerful tool in staying at a good emotional baseline. When I feel the urge to cut I will take an ice cube and rub it all over my face several times and it always quiets that urge.
As much as having an episode sucks, I have to remain grateful that they don’t run my life like they used to. For many many years I was controlled and trapped by BPD. Years of therapy and help from loved ones has allowed me a new life where mental illness does not control me. What a freedom that is!
I used to laugh at the notion that my BPD could get to a point where I wouldn’t meet criteria for the diagnosis. I thought it ludicrous to believe I could have true relief from an illness that ran my life. But getting sober and working my butt off for peace has paid off. Before losing my job I was stable as could be. I still noticed some BPD tendencies, but minimally. Being unemployed absolutely threw me off, but I am doing good things for myself that I know create peace.
I still pray and meditate every morning, along with an affirmation meditation I listen to on You tube. I practice deep breathing to ground myself when my emotions start to bubble to the surface. I take medication as needed when I am too far off the scale to bring myself down. I talk to people and they help me see reality. Prayer isn’t something I do just in the mornings either. I talk to God all the time, especially when I’m in crisis. Prayer works. It really does. I utilize my therapist as well. She is very good at helping me see the truth in things so I can breathe easier.
My fiancé is such an amazing help when I’m episodic. He is well versed in helping me through the BPD pain, and although I know it is tough on him, he is always there for me. Endless tears have been spilled in this journey to mood regulation. Sometimes the pain would get so great it felt as if it would never leave. But it always does leave. Nothing is constant, moods shift for everyone. We are never “stuck”, even though it may feel that way sometimes. “Though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death….” We are not standing or sitting in the shadow of death, we are moving through it with God’s hand. So when things feel impossible to manage, always remember that the pain will pass. It always does.
Love and happiness to all, and until next time,
Kassandra